Evacuate Israel to the “heartland”
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
by BAR columnist michael hureaux perez
Israel in its present configuration and location "is just not working out." Its behavior isn't suited to Palestine - a bad choice, in hindsight, for a Jewish homeland. Better to "offer the new Israeli government the states of Colorado, Oklahoma, and Texas," where "orthodox Christian populations" that are so enamored of the current State of Israel "should be quite amenable to moving out of the region" to make room for the newcomers. Right-wing preachers like Pastor John Hagee should certainly be capable of explaining that "God has now revealed Texas to be the promised land of Zion." After all, "If you've sold one ‘God gave them the land' package, you've sold them all."
Eshu’s blues: Evacuate Israel to the “heartland”by michael hureaux perez
Copies of this proposal have been sent to the following personages:
- The Honorable Barack Obama, President of the United States
- The Honorable Patricia Murray, U.S. Senator, Washington State
- The Honorable Maria Cantwell, U.S. Senator, Washington State
- The Honorable James McDermott, U.S. Congress 34th Dist, Washington State
- My Two-State Solution for an era of peace in the Middle East
I’m for a Jewish homeland, but I don’t believe it should be in Palestine. Palestine is just not working out. So I’d like to propose modestly that we consider starting all over again, and aid the government of Israel in moving here to the United States. It’s the only practical solution to the problem. Polls tell us that ninety nine per cent of the people of the United States favor Israel in the current Gaza Strip conflict, and given those levels of support, I think it’s time for we over here to start walking our talk. On a strictly moral level, it’s the only right thing to do since, after all, this is the country that refused Jewish exiles sanctuary during the 1930s when it became clear to the U.S. State Department that the Nazis were preparing to launch a mega-pogrom in the ultimate phase of the 900-year-old European effort to exterminate the Jew. So now, it’s time to cut U.S. losses in the Middle East, and move the Jewish homeland here to the good old United States of America, where everybody supports Israel and there are no anti-Semitic traditions like there are in France and other pro-terrorist countries.
To start, I believe we should offer the new Israeli government the states of Colorado, Oklahoma, and Texas. All of these states have heavy orthodox Christian populations that favor the creation of the State of Israel, so their populations should be quite amenable to moving out of the region they currently live in and maybe relocating to major urban centers like Houston and Corpus Christi. People in the United States believe that dense population has been a character building exercise for the people of the Gaza Strip, so it’s got to be good for people from the United States with our “can do” attitudes and endless optimism.
“We should offer the new Israeli government the states of Colorado, Oklahoma, and Texas.”
Consider first the cultural amenities such an arrangement would offer. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven through Colorado, Oklahoma and Texas, but much of the region is just one small town after another, clapboard churches, deserted or foreclosed farms, etc. You know what I’m suggesting and offering here: a land without people for a people without a land. The New Israel could make the desert bloom here, just as it has in Palestine! Of course, the region isn’t entirely the desert Israel had to cultivate, but you get the idea. We could bill it “Zion of the Rockies and Prairies.” Cool, na? And there are other bonuses.
If there were Hebraic culture throughout all of what is now Texas, there could be Bluegrass- Corrido-Klezmer festivals along the Mexican border every year! Think about what could be done for restaurants and the tourist industry. I’m telling you, some of those folks down there have never seen a bagel or munched on a knish or dined on potato latkes. For the world of literature and learning, there could be Saul Bellow- O Henry- Ray Gonzalez Literary Festivals! Just think about what could be achieved for international relations when the main languages of the region become Hebrew, Spanish and Amurrikin 1 .
But I digress. Now, the work of population transference will pose certain problems. There are lots of people living in Texas. But Texas is the best place to begin this project, as Pastor John Hagee lives in Texas. Pastor Hagee is a keen supporter of Israel, so he will be the one to persuade the residents of Texas that it’s in their best interest to pack up their things and move if they know what’s good for them. All he has to do is explain that God has now revealed Texas to be the promised land of Zion, and that He’s now given Texas to the Jews. The Lord has changed His mind about Palestine because the Palestinians are too excitable, maybe a little volatile.
“Texas is the best place to begin this project, as Pastor John Hagee lives in Texas.”
So it’s a cinch. If you’ve sold one “God gave them the land” package, you’ve sold them all. And since God gave the white man everything west of the Mississippi a couple hundred years ago, it’s okay if he gives part of that same stretch of land to someone other than white people now. And if the white people don’t get out, the U.S. Imperial Project will have to bankroll/ recreate the Stern Gang to come in and “slayeth every one who pisseth against a wall,” and “dasheth the heads of thy little ones against the stones.” It’s a no-brainer! The Lord works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform, etc, you know the drill. Maybe the Jewish Defense League will be available for such a chore.
It’s been a hundred and seventy years since Manifest Destiny, but it’s a similar sell. It could inspire a renaissance in style if we actually promote it right. Men everywhere would walk around dressed like Andrew Jackson and Martin Van Buren, although maybe without the laced corsets and “chewin’ tabacky.”
The New Israel is endlessly attractive. Since most people in this country favor the sort of population density that’s been practiced in the Gaza Strip, all displaced Texans should be moved to abandoned oil platforms just outside of Corpus Christi. They can handle it. It’s perfect. There’s no running water and no need for public thoroughfares. And obviously if the Palestinians didn’t need either of those things, the Texans shouldn’t. They’re made of tougher stuff than Palestinian Arabs are. Remember the Alamo, don’t mess with Texas, etc. Texans can handle the tough tasks, just as Texans always have. A minor roll call of historic names illustrates my point: John Wesley Hardin. Bonnie Parker. Clyde Barrow. Charley Starkweather. Billy Sol Estes. Nelson Bunker Hunt. Phyllis George. Lee Harvey Oswald. Are we talking intrepid, or what?
The best part is that the poetry of the new location won’t be lost on Hagee’s flock of Born-Again Christians, who know that Christ gave out bread at the last supper and commanded his disciples to eat of his body. Clearly, Corpus Christi is the place to be! And since the Lord poured out wine and suggested they drink his blood, it won’t be hard to persuade people to drink the helicopter-dropped cases of Night Train and Boone’s Farm that will be made available on the oil platforms. Maybe we can even get a discount on Manischevitz during Passover or Purim, but these are details that can get worked out later.
“All displaced Texans should be moved to abandoned oil platforms just outside of Corpus Christi.”
Now, obviously, since there’s no way to build outward on oil platforms, we’re talking about building upward. This is where the displaced Oklahomans are brought into their new roles in the new Israel. They like doing oil stuff and they’ve been doing it for a long time. The country needs public works, and it needs experienced public works professionals. If Okies can’t build oil platforms that are a hundred storyies high, nobody can. In fact, if we play this right, we can get some Madison Avenue Businesses in on the public relations end of this. I can see it now: Images of hundred-story oil platforms being built by happy, singing, hard working white people out in the Gulf of Mexico, with Israel’s favorite Daughter Barbara Streisand standing atop a completed skyscraper/oil platform belting out “On a Clear Day you can See Forever” in the background. That ought to buy the project credibility with white liberals, especially the communities in Greenwich Village in New York and Castro Street in San Francisco. While it may be true that there are few clear days in the oil cities of Texas that don’t feel like a piece of the sun fell off and landed in the middle of town, this is strictly a technical matter and not one that should concern us for very long. The main thing is that this whole project be seen as multi-cultural and inclusive. Remarkably postmodern, one could say, and I will.
I suppose I’ve been really upbeat about all this, so I may as well come to the downside of this equation: how are we going to convert Colorado into part of the New Israel? Colorado is as “goy” as “goy” can get. Nothing is more “goy” than Colorado unless we’re talking about Simi Valley, California, and I think we can agree that nobody talks about Simi Valley unless they have to. And let’s face it, once we’ve subtracted the space for the Reagan Mausoleum from Simi Valley, there’s not much acreage left to work with. (By the way, I’ve heard rumors of a Grand Reagan Ziggurat of Simi Valley being contributed by EXXON to house the body of the Late President, who did so much to restore our faith in U.S. firepower and the commodity fetish. I heard Charles Krauthammer came up with the idea. Is this on the level?)
“Colorado is as ‘goy’ as ‘goy’ can get.”
Anyway. Colorado. “Goy”. Boy, is it “goy”. Mostly a bunch of white upper middle class schmoes out on ski trips trying to get away from the world they’ve created, and who can blame them? But it’s time they got toughened up. I’ve heard that Ariel Sharon is vegetating somewhere, and he’s a guy who knows how to discipline unruly and even ruly elements. I can never get Sabra and Shatilla ‘82 out of my mind. He’s that effective. You might want to enlist his help if Colorado were to get out of hand. I’m sure he’s not hard to find, the man is practically his own area code.
So in a nutshell, we have: New Israel in the United States. A two state solution: Palestine given back to the Palestinians, and a New Israel here in the United States. Here’s an opportunity for the United States to prove that we’re not just a bunch of self-righteous blowhards in permanent denial, a people massively endowed with new technology but minimal in critical thinking skills, and brutally cynical in our co-ordination and use of Zionist ideology to take over the Middle East. That’s not us, and it never has been us. We have change we can believe in, and spare change at that. We are the people we’ve been looking for. We’ve been bringing good things to life. Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a feeling. Just for the taste of it. Just do it.
Honorably yours, michael hureaux perez
(1 Amurikin: Texas dialect of English created by the Connecticut and New Hampshire based Walker-Pierce-Prescott-Bush political dynasty, a linguistic innovation stunning in both its syntactical cremangement and deliverancid).